My Warrior Story

So I am sure some of you are wondering what it is with the "Warrior" stuff, and if you really know me you know I have my "Warr;or" tattoo which there is a picture of on here. So we will go back to my freshman year of high school where my struggle with depression began to become known to myself. I had my first relationship going into my freshman year of high school, which was stressful and I did not have supporting friends in the relationship. As the year went on, Homelife wasn't the greatest. Right before Christmas break my father hurt my youngest sister which caused a restraining order to divide our family during the holidays. It was scary. Things like this had happened to me when I was younger, but I thought it was just discipline for me. It turns out there is a fine line between abuse and discipline. So there was the first thing I learned. Since my childhood, I had been traumatized. Now back to Christmas break-- so a day or so before Christmas Eve was when I found out my father attempted suicide. He was unresponsive. I broke down in tears because I almost killed my father. We soon learned he overdosed in pills and drank an absurd amount of alcohol at my grandfathers house where my grandfather watched. So somewhere in-between this happening he was released from the hospital and showed up on our doorstep Christmas Day. Nothing happened besides tears being shed. Soon we started doing family building things to get our family back together. After some time, things went back to as normal as possible.
      Fast forward to before junior year of high school now. My dad and I had gotten into an argument and he left and went to my grandfather's house. I was getting ready to go on a mission trip to Ashland, Montana, and he left without even saying goodbye to me because we were in the middle of an argument; I woke up and he was just gone. So I left on my way to Montana that morning. It was dinner time and we were in South Dakota at a cute family restaurant when one of he chaperons came up to me and said in a serious tone "Jessica you need to call your mother." At that moment I knew something was wrong and my stomach dropped. I left the room and went into the doorway and my chaperon followed me to make the phone call and I thought that was weird. When I called my mom she asked if anyone was with me and I said yes one of the chaperons came with me. After I said that, that's when the dreaded words came out of her mouth. "Jessica... your grandpa shot your dad." I fell to my knees in tears. Sobbing I asked, "Is Dad dead?" Those are words I never thought I would have to say. I asked what had happened and she could not say much since there was an investigation going on. All I knew was my grandpa and dad got into an argument and my grandfather pulled a 22 shot gun on my dad. He was okay, but was in surgery. My best friend knew something was wrong and came to me and held me while I continued to sob. Eventually, I went back to the dinner table where there were people that stared at me because they knew my dad was shot and then there were the people that stared at me and wondered why I had been crying. The leader of our group rushed over to me and she was ready to take me all the way back home. I told her no, God had this happen for a reason and I need to be here. So we continued our drive to Montana. When we got there we found out there was no phone reception whatsoever. Normally, I would be okay with that, but right now my dad is in the hospital in surgery. Throughout the week, I had to depend on slow wifi to make calls through Facebook messenger to my mom. When I thought things couldn't get any worse, a huge storm came through Quincy causing mass destruction. Alarms started going off in the hospital and they had to evacuate their rooms. It was just so crazy and overwhelming. As the week went on, I got more information as to the incident. After a week, I finally got to go home.
      Now we are onto senior year. Before senior year started I had a rough summer and my depression was at it's worst. I got into an argument with my sister and left home. I was contemplating ending it all. My boyfriend got ahold of my best friend and I went to her house and she calmed me down. I ended up at the doctors being put on medication for my depression and going through counseling. So throughout all this craziness, I had one person who continuously stuck through it with me; my boyfriend. He was my rock and my person I told everything to. During this year we started running into problems between us. On February 14th, he ended everything with me and I was heartbroken. This was when things spiraled out of control even worse. Self-harm came into place. I had no one. I was lost, confused, and broken. The cutting made me actually feel something and the pain felt so good.
      There were several times between the end of my senior year and the beginning of summer I had contemplated suicide. But I am still here. Depression is something serious that so many people take as a joke. Demi Lovato is one of my inspirations with my depression. If you have not heard the song "Warrior" by Demi Lovato, I strongly recommend you look this up or send to a friend who you know is struggling. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74aOxH4R5Ow) This is a song I turn to when I think about giving up. My tattoo is a representation of all my struggles with depression, self-harm, and suicide and how I am stronger than that. Project Semi-Colon is something I strongly support. If you have never heard of it, look it up. It explains the meaning of my tattoo and why I have a semi-colon in it. The semi-colon is used in writing when you could have chose to end a sentence, but you didn't; you kept going. So this represents a time in my life where I could have ended it, but I chose not to. It is such a powerful meaning and great reminder. I still question the cards I have been dealt in my life and why it has sucked so much, but then I also have to look at the positives. So this is my Warr;or story.